I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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