There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
