yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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