meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
