we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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