He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
