He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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