best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
