its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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