I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
