Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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