You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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