Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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