he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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