I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
