Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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