you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize