Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
