I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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