"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
