i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
