the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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