I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
