if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
