saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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