this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
