I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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