Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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