paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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