A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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