My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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