Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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