I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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