I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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