She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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