Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
