Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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