My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
