Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
