Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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