I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
