dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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