Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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