So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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