Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
