I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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