I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
