bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
