Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
