My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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