My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
