Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
