Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
