He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
