did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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