as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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