Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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