Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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