The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize